*ALERT* Man-flu pandemic

Oh Man-flu...... God must be a man to inflict such hideous torture on us mere women. Even us with our innate strength, cannot deal with this pandemic sweeping our nation, Rolling eyes is as much as we can do.

Reality is like this- picture one miserable man laying awkwardly on couch smelling like Oscar the grouch at his worst, moaning, sniffling, and talking non-stop about their illness [drawing parallels to the one sided conversations MIL has about her best friend's neighbours dog-walkers brother's prostate issues]
You feign interest- albeit briefly [and, I'm asking, what mother has time to really nod appropriately at the right times to ANY conversation for more than 47 seconds?], as kids don't wait for real life to intervene in their day, so you turn your back on dying partner to attend to day to day life like all women have to come rain or shine or flu of your own......
You fantasize about their impending death [because, according to them, the GP is a moron, and should have hospitalized them- because DEATH IS IMMINENT!]
You think thoughts to yourself about how if partner were a horse, even a THOROUGH BRED, they would surely have been shot by now, and you can empathize with cavewomen with their big clubs they stole off the men in the middle of the night- oh yes, a club WOULD come in handy right now......

The fantasy goes like this- every man affected by this hideous, flesh rotting pandemic is marched off to a concentration camp, [in the middle of some country you have no idea where is- like Slovakia or somewhere, so if LSH manages to smuggle a mobile and texts you to come get him- you can't .... mooohhoooooo haaaarrrr harrrrrr]..... I digress....... they are marched off, single file, Nazi-style and when they reach their meagre accomodation, they are greeted by one big, fat German nurse, who barks in a Russian accent [not quite sure why, but this is my story, 'k?] "YOU VILL STOP ZEE VHINING, YOUZ MIZRABULL BABEEZ"
They all then start to cry and sniffle like newborns, and they long for their caring women back home who bring them cups of teas, even if they are just pretending to care, it's better than this torture...

Ohhhhh, I could go on and on with this fantasy....... ;)
It is moments like this my 7 year itch is flaring up like a bad case of genital herpes, and I picture how the grass is greener, yada yada yada
I imagine getting whisked away by some Italian [or, insert French, Irish, Swiss, German, whatever floats ya boat ;)] lothario to some exotic location, magically, my cling-ons have disappeared - isn't it amazing how in fantasies your rug-rats fail to exist!!!???- and you sip red wine [Guinness, Champagne, Absynthe, you decide] and you throw your head back in laughter at everything said lothario says....... and you walk hand in hand off into the sunset, make love til dawn, and evereything is perfect, as in this story, lotharios don't get the man-flu pandemic, noooooo..... that would be too cruel.......

Yeah...... *sigh*...... off now to have my morning cuppa [see, I AM dreaming] and go upstairs to poke the male with the end of my broomstick [did I say that?] to see if he grunts. Fingers crossed he doesn't...... hehehehehhehehehehehehehheheheehe [insert the very evilest of evil laughs]

2 min Noodles ARE a nutritious dinner I tell you!

Dinner time- its like a lesson in terrorist negotiations.

Some days it goes like this- you carefully prepare something wholesome, and to be honest, you are quite proud of yourself, it is almost completed by a little sprig of parsley [but of course you're not going there] and you set it on the table- BAM! 3 year old immediately starts crying in a truly revolting way- that awful sound that is like a cat dying on the side of the road [or your mother in law after you have strangled her- but I DIDN'T SAY THAT LOL]

You are crushed. Your food is edible, even delicious by your standards. EVEN, yes EVEN picky Mr LSH* [*long suffering husband] will eat it..... What is wrong with your children- didn't they spring from your VERY OWN LOINS- why won't they eat your RUDDY COOKING?

So..... next night..... it goes like this....
4.30pm rolls around- the time in every mothers life she dreads the most.... Time to think of what to prepare for the Kinder Dinner [yes I used capitals, as, to the rug-rats, this is a very important event- life or death]
This time you think stuff it.... Im gonna sit here reading my trashy NW magazine, because nothing is more important [to you anyway] than who RPatz is actually hooked up with-
'The kids can have two minute noodles!'

Oh shock horror you perfect mums are recoiling in disgust- BITE ME!
We have allllll done it, so don't proclaim your 15 different type of vegie eating semi organic soy child hasn't had crap for dinner.......... ;)

My kids not only eat 2 min noodles- they LOVE them. The enjoy the experience, and even draw it out to the point where the noodles are stone cold and mummy has retired to watch MasterChef with her Chivas Regal and Sundried tomato dip... but the kids still sit pulling each wiggly noodle up above their heads before shoving them violently down their throats with their entire hands.

So, terrorist negotiations avoided on this night. There is no pleading, threatening, bargaining, crying [usually me], food throwing - it is bliss..... [just don't ask the dog- she likes the former situation]

Off to attempt mushroom souffle tomorrow night- oh, and they will eat it- won't they????

*hangs head in shame*

I am true to form- such a very very very bad mother that I haven't even taken the time to come in here and whinge about my kids and parenting skills...... This I usually do into the bottom of a baileys glass, the milky haze staring back at me, always forgiving, always there for me.....

To be honest, we have all been revoltingly passing sickness back and forth to each other - one that all began in a humble daycare facility [don't they all] and I have not had the energy to do much. I have disconnected from my OLL [read- online life] and it has actually been a breath of fresh air. While I have little, to no IRL [in real life] friends that I can vent to on a daily basis, I was finding OL friends even harder to really connect with..... and, at the end of the day- who will be there when I am on my deathbed??? It will be my snotty kids [all grown up and have lives of their own by then I hope] and my grumpy husband [hopefully happily retired, and hopefully outlives me]

*SIGH* So, it's been a big wake up call to get back into IRL and embrace it with all its boring bits, family irks and money issues that go with day to day living.
For some reason unbeknownst to me, we keep receiving these darn regular bills; phones, electricity, foxtel, yada yada and quite frankly, the satisfaction and fulfillment I feel when I pay one of the monstrous things quickly dissapates as the next one faithfully arrives.....

However, the eBay packages still manage to trickle in, and as other eBay addicts will know- this is always a lovely feeling! Ive become addicted to darn wall stick-ons and buy them just for the h*ll of it sometimes hehehehe
namee17 on eBay is one of my favourite sellers, and smileywalls on Etsy is another good one....

Will be back later to report on our week long holiday down south in the Margaret River wine region [namely Dunsborough]... of course it ruddy rained the whole week! LOL

is it possible to disguise the smell of wet mouldy washing??

Wellll, have taken the VBM status of mine to the highest level. The house is a complete brothel. Its raining outside, so there are dog paw prints everywhere, plus chewed up pine bark mulch, as apparently they are divine to a dogs palate [bit like dynamic lifter and manure]

Ok, so each entry, I will endeavour to include my feeble attempts at becoming a VGM [Very Good Mother] Ok, so I tried this- I cooked. This may sound same old same old to you oh wonderful super mum, but for me, cooking DOES NOT come naturally. I cooked 2 quiches -1 was shredded chicken, Feta cheese and chives [for LSH], and the other, a roasted pumpkin, garlic feta, pinenut and spinach concoction [for me, being a try-hard vegetarian]

But!! The piece de resistance [said in sexy french accent] was that I made fritatta type things in a muffin tray using baking paper to line the holes, and put roast pumpkin, corn kernals, feta, and chopped spinach, with an egg/milk mixture, and baked these til set- TTB loved them!!! [not that that is surprising- she eats dog poo and Royal Canin dog bikkies on a regular basis]

So, my dears, that was my attempt at bettering myself. It was exhausting. I collapsed on the sofa with a champagne to dull my burgeoning headache. Phew!!! It will be at least a week before I attempt anything like that again!

The washing has piled up. It officially smells like wee in the laundry. LMC manages to defy her toilet training by these 'accidents' as she calls them, everywhere and anywhere. The poor MaxiRider stinks like a homeless guys cardboard box. Im embarassed to let anyone see the interior of my car- or smell it for that matter.

Look- someone asked me for pics. Funnily enough, it was one of those VGM's, who get time to stop and take photos, upload them and add funny captions. I will add pics I promise- just not with the vigour of those crafty types who photograph everything!!! LOL

I will be back to explain how my lovely LMC went to 'school' stained pink. The Sony Bravia LCD will never recover from that day!!

VBM day #1

Yes. I'll admit it- I am a Very Bad Mother [hence forth known as VBM]

I have always been a VBM. I know many other VBM's, but of course they won't fess up to it.

A little birdy told me there are mothers out there that are Very Good Mothers and fill their quota each and every day of craft [age appropriate], baking, reading stories, setting chores and the likes!! I did not believe such a thing could possibly be true- but then I saw it- millions of blogs everywhere written by Very Good Mother's!!!

I was astounded. Obviously these mum's are getting an extra hour every day. Their life just can't be possible can it???

Anyway, I must introduce myself while you are still awake [even if only coffee induced]

I am a VBM [not to be confused with Violent Bowel Movement, although you can never be sure when you may need to use that term too ;)] aged- well, 34 going on 50 it feels some days.

I have a long suffering husband [LSH] and two delightful DD's.

[First one to say they are delightful gets to keep them]

DD #1 - Little Miss Cupcake [LMC] aka Miss Three is your typical run of the mill 3 and a bit year old. Full of herself, full of questions, but never seemingly full of food- she lives on air that one.

DD#2 - Little Miss Tube-tie Baby[TTB], not too dissimilar, but not to be confused with Bon-Jovi Kid ['sleep when Im dead' kindda behaviour] is your average 15 month old- with a twist. The rotten twist is, she is determined NOT to sleep til she is dead, hence my caffeine-dependant status.

Ill be back. LMC is naked as usual and has drawn tigger stripes on her leg [to be like Tigger apparently] and TTB is trying to put on LMC's wet knickers. Ahhh the joys!